Election Blog: Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain

Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the...

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Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living...

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Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked.

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Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What...

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Election Blog: Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!

Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And...

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Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and unresolved scheduling conflict, the facility would continue to host the first ever Haunted House...

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Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the...

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Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner

NEW YORK—"The shocking unveiling of that blistered face is a paradigm shift on a scale never before seen in bubble-gum literature," said artist Martin Shore.

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Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which...

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Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy

DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco.

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Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth.

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Election Blog: Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy

If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life.

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Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard

CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his 8-year-old son Ben from school and long-snapping the ball around the backyard of their suburban...

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Election Blog: Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy?

My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual...

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I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians

Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent...

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Election Blog: Granite State Blues

After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I...

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Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to eat," said Glenn Vernacini.

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Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...

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Election Blog: I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism

If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's ...

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