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Election Blog: Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain
Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud
CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Missing Beatles Track Confirmed
In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Election Blog: Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!
Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and unresolved scheduling conflict, the facility would continue to host the first ever Haunted House... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished
Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner
NEW YORK—"The shocking unveiling of that blistered face is a paradigm shift on a scale never before seen in bubble-gum literature," said artist Martin Shore. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy
DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Election Blog: Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy
If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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[audio] Bioengineers Outsmarted By Strain Of Intelligent Wheat
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard
CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his 8-year-old son Ben from school and long-snapping the ball around the backyard of their suburban... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Election Blog: Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy?
My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians
Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Election Blog: Granite State Blues
After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to eat," said Glenn Vernacini. Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Co-Op Casino Robbed Again
ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |
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Election Blog: I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism
If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's ... Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News |