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Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...
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In Focus: National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again
WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels.
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Sports: Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About
WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday that he could not even begin to comprehend what the American-born football player and his wife...
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Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet
CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone.
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Sports: John Wooden, 99, Found DeaNever Mind, False Alarm
News In Photos
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Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers
Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?
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In Focus: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands.
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Local CVS Selling One Leather Jacket For Some Reason
News In Photos
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Soda Tax Suggested In California
California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener...
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Sports: Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him
SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for key position against his teammates, participates in spin and takedown drills, and seems to enjoy the challenges of his sport.
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[audio] Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Sports: Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake
STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness that the match he was watching was completely scripted and a willingness to treat the event as though it were 100 percent real.
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Sports: Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR
KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR...
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Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.
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Slideshow: The Week In Review
Slideshow
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Sports: Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous
DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.
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Opinion: Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? (by Beepo the Dolphin)
When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...
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[audio] 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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[video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
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