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Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories
LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "...
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[audio] Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans
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FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
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Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene
DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu...
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Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride
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Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats
Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats
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[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy
The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.
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Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.
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Incest Survivor Dumped
Incest Survivor Dumped
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Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime
BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ...
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Infographic: SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes
Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the...
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1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day
INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re...
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Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job
TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.
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Opinion: Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? (by Punxsutawney Phil)
Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must've hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it...
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An unopened one-gallon jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise quietly expired last week.
An unopened one-gallon jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise quietly expired last week.
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TV Listings: Meet The Press
NBC 10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.
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American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?
In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.
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Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park
Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park
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Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers
TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c...
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American Voices: Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals
A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons.
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