Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth

Earth

BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth...



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Earth, Prepare To Meet Thy DOOM!

This past earthly solar cycle was one to be remembered. A year of change. A year of hope. Pitiful, misplaced hope! But by far, the single most...

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Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres

Hurriphoonado ClaireClaire drowns the western, eastern, northern, and southern seaboards, valleys, and metropolitan areas.

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$700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party

Bailout PartyRelieved CEOs were greeted by a life-size ice sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

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The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Environment

The dramatic fall of oil prices to under $50 a barrel has silenced much of the talk of alternative energy and oil independence that was so prevalent...

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Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour this...

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America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush was unusually reflective in the final weeks of his administration, taking time during speeches and press conferences to look back on key decisions, expound on his legacy, and tout his role in paving the...

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Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive

A study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine says that postmenopausal women experience an increase in libido with a testosterone...

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The Onion's 2008 In Review: Entertainment

This year, tabloid mainstays like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were largely out of the limelight. What do you think?

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Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman'

SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's...

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Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth

BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth Collider—a $117 billion electromagnetic particle accelerator built to study astronomical phenomena...

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Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living...

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WaMu Files For ChapLev

SEATTS—Citing fallout from the sub-p mortgage disast, WaMu was forced to file for ChapLev this past Septems. "We tried to negosh our way out...

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What A Year This Was!

Wow! Has it been 365 days already? It seems like just yesterday I was looking back on 2007. I guess it's true that time flies when you're having...

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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

BEIJING—Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still...



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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

BEIJING—Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly lifelike, almost realistic atmosphere the nation of China was able to bring...

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