Alternate Health Care Bills

In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...




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Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts

DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said.




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Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight

In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their...




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Canada may adopt gender-neutral national anthem (Reuters)

Canadians celebrate by singing the Canadian national anthem at the Eternal Flame in Ottawa, February 28, 2010. REUTERS/Chris RoussakisReuters - "O Canada," the country's national anthem, has included the line, "True patriot love in all thy sons' command," for nearly 100 years.




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Old sea dog sets tongues wagging at Crufts (Reuters)

Reuters - A 16th century dog, the only known female to have served aboard King Henry VIII's ill-fated flagship the Mary Rose, has stolen the show at Britain's Crufts dog show this year.

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Residents flee Angolan village invaded by elephants (Reuters)

Reuters - Wild elephants rampaged through a southern village in Angola last weekend, destroying farms and dozens of houses and prompting most of its 4,000 residents to flee to neighboring Namibia, a local official said Tuesday.

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Sports: Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR

KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR...




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Japan's spouse hunters hone skills at marriage school (Reuters)

Reuters - In search of Mr. or Mrs. Right, dozens of Japanese are attending a newly launched school in Tokyo that aims to turn them into marriage material.

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Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112

2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...




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Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.




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Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' (by Dr. Trent Berstyn)

It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...




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Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data

ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...




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Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out

NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story.




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Child's play at air traffic tower sparks inquiry (Reuters)

Reuters - An investigation is underway into why a young child, apparently under an adult's supervision, was allowed to direct air traffic at New York City's John F. Kennedy International Airport, U.S. authorities said on Wednesday.

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Canada drops plans for politically correct anthem (Reuters)

Reuters - Don't mess with a century-old tradition even if it is sexist, Canadians told the Conservative government this week, forcing Ottawa to scrap plans to make the country's national anthem gender-neutral.

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Chinese youth accused of not being fighting fit (Reuters)

Children exercise during a weight-losing summer camp in Shenyang, Liaoning province, August 3, 2009. REUTERS/Sheng LiReuters - China must urgently address the physical fitness of the nation's youth or run the risk of raising a generation incapable of fighting the Japanese in a future war, the head of the country's top sports university said Thursday.




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