Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth

Earth

BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth...



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700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish 800 Billion Executive Party

GEORGE TOWN, CAYMAN ISLANDS—4-tons of Beluga caviar and $250,000 bottles of vintage Dom PĂ©rignon were on hand for America's CEOs to celebrate the historic bailout.

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Earth, Prepare To Meet Thy DOOM!

This past earthly solar cycle was one to be remembered. A year of change. A year of hope. Pitiful, misplaced hope! But by far, the single most...

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Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

DUNDEE, IL—"This is what Christmas is all about," said a police investigator, who found the unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash.

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America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush was unusually reflective in the final weeks of his administration, taking time during speeches and press conferences to look back on key decisions, expound on his legacy, and tout his role in paving the...

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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

BEIJING—Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly lifelike, almost realistic atmosphere the nation of China was able to bring...

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Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early

NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling...

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$700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party

Bailout PartyRelieved CEOs were greeted by a life-size ice sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

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That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

CARMICHAELS, PA—Sources confirmed yesterday that the kid in the Carmichaels YMCA youth basketball league, the one who plays for the team in yellow jerseys sponsored by Grimaldi Dental Associates, played another game Tuesday wearing blue...

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Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the socialist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama came out of nowhere in late 2007 and threatened to end the Illinois senator's campaign.

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Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living...

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Dame Judi Dench Begins Dating Female DJ

LOS ANGELES—Dench surprised the media when photos emerged of the classically trained actress and a younger female DJ canoodling in L.A. hotspot Chateau Marmont.

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Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

Herb FosbeckHerb Fosbeck got a very special present this holiday season, or something like it.

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Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres

Hurriphoonado ClaireClaire drowns the western, eastern, northern, and southern seaboards, valleys, and metropolitan areas.

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The Onion's 2008 In Review: Entertainment

This year, tabloid mainstays like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were largely out of the limelight. What do you think?

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Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman'

SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's...

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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

BEIJING—Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still...



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Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night's New York Knicks—New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA,...

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