Sports: Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake

STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness that the match he was watching was completely scripted and a willingness to treat the event as though it were 100 percent real.




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Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112

2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...




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Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.




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Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him

Disabled Athlete

SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles...




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Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.




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Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet

Area GirlMcMillan is ushered into menarche with flowers, rainbows, and bullet points.




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[video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.




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20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol

A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?




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Opinion: Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? (by Beepo the Dolphin)

When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...




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In Focus: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands.




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Sports: Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous

DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.




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