Always Up To Date on Fake News

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Infographic: SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the...

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Pictures

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu...

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Pictures

Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr...

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Pictures

American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?

In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day

INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re...

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park

Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Pictures

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ...

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Pictures

[video] Bill Belichick Rallies Team By Castrating Player In Locker Rooms

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.

Categories: Fake News | Funny News | News | The Onion | The Onion Daily News

Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories �

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "...